Happiness Is a Warm Gun

American Gun



Change a few names and the story’s the same one–my rant was written after Sandy Hook–you will hug your children or your guns–the story’s the same one.

Brett Arends’ Article, which follows my rant, appeared on MSN’s Market Watch website the day after the Oregon Massacre.

M.C. G.


I am upset. I am likely to be indelicate.  I  might even appear insensitive to the feelings of  half of my fellow countrymen. This is likely a rant.  Nonetheless I shall proceed.

If you own a gun for purposes of protection you are a moron. The events of December 14 go some distance in making my argument.  Adam Lanza’s mom was a gun enthusiast. She lived with her mentally defective son in Newtown Connecticut  before he shot her four times in the face. He then employed her protective firepower to extinguish the lives of  twenty children and six adults at Sandy Hook Elementary School.

Half of the people who kill with guns kill themselves. Most of these prefer to end their existence without harming anyone other than themselves. Would that Adam Lanza had followed their example before he murdered his mother,  the kindergartners and their teachers, rather than after.

Half of the people in the country oppose gun control. They are morons. Those who pack heat in our urban enclaves are mostly thugs, criminals and gang members–also moronic.  I hold them to account even more than the mentally aberrant Adam who torched the Tree of Life in this quiet New England Eden.  Lanza was responsible for one of the most monstrous gun crimes in American History.  The gun-lovers are responsible for them all.

I think that morons who make up half the electorate should all live together. Half the country goes to gun-lovers the other half to gun-controllers. The morons can love their guns, their hunting, and suffer their school massacres in the Gun-loving States of America. The rest of us would reside in the remaining Gun-controlling States of America. The logistics are a bit fuzzy but I am sure we could work them out.

The gun lobby,  the manufacturers of said guns, and the National Rifle Association would hopefully  self-deport to those areas that embrace them with such warmth, affection and obvious love. The Gun-loving States of America can keep their 2nd Amendment and expand the so called militia-rights anyway they please. Hell, they can even require every man, woman and child to holster pistols, rack shotguns, and position machine-guns on each of their rooftops–you want a bazooka, you get a bazooka.  As they are fond of chanting: “Atomic Bombs don’t kill people, people kill people.”  Welcome to the Apocalypse–you’ve earned it.

Next to slavery, the manufacture and sale of semi-automatic weaponry aimed at arming the civilian population of the United States is the greatest obscenity ever visited upon the country.  I and those of like mind would rather live in states scrubbed free of any and all armaments that constitute the private  citizen armory– we wish above all to be sanitized of the insanity. No gun toting moron would ever kill a baby again. We’ve had enough of that from Columbine to Connecticut.

The founding fathers gave us the 2nd Amendment but this, in and of itself, does not make the gift sacrosanct.  The founders also gave us Article 1, Section 2, Paragraph 3 of the Constitution.  The so-called 3/5 Compromise provided for the legitimacy of slavery.  Each slave was considered to be 3/5 of a citizen without however any of the rights of the citizenry.  You shall have your guns but we shall not infringe upon the commerce of human chattel. Jefferson wrote that all men are created equal  but  owned, during his lifetime, three hundred slaves–at least one of whom, Sally Hemings was expected to service him regularly in his stately bed chambers after the death of his wife–the progeny their union remained slaves and servants during their respective childhoods. Sally Hemings was fair skinned.  Her father was Jefferson’s wife’s brother, John Wayles.  Jefferson inherited the Wayles slaves a year after his marriage to Martha Wayles  Skelton.  Tom and Martha decided to keep their sordid progeny “all in the family.” It took us the better part of a century to banish slavery–even if its bitter fruits were decreed and tasted by our  enlightened founders.

It is time to ban the gun and banish anyone discovered with one either to jail or to the moronic Gun-loving States of America. The gun loving morons deserve their guns and the gun-loving companionship of each other. Their lusty embrace of the manly gun culture will, however, be as likely short-lived as the safety clips on their revolvers — they won’t miss the rest of us, either–they probably think we’re gay.